I peel open the sliding doors and look out to endless blue spliced by jurassic pine trees. The silence of my hotel room is swiftly overtaken by whooshing traffic and ocean. I’m in Sydney for only two nights, staying at the Manly Pacific on a brief media famil. Tomorrow holds RUSSH’s Literary Showcase, and other miscellaneous work things on the agenda. I’m bursting with excitement to be somewhere new – it always makes me more inventive. This place is idyllic: lavish, coastal, wellness-oriented. I think to myself how much my boyfriend would love it here, and reflexively reach for my phone to give him a video tour. But I pause. I need to remember to be present and embrace this time as a mini-retreat, just for me.
It got me thinking about how the distance we choose (with intention) can actually bring us closer in our romantic relationships through ultimately strengthening our sense of self, even if it’s uncomfortable at first. What a luxury it is to miss someone, after all.
It doesn’t have to be travel. It could be plans with friends on a Sunday morning you’d otherwise have saved for them, relishing in a hobby that is just yours, saying yes to things you'd usually opt out of, or just supporting each other’s extracurricular activities.
There are times when you want to be with your person and nobody else, tucked away in a state of intertwined bliss. But if that feeling was constant, it wouldn’t be such a wonderful high. The most connected dates, kitchen bench meals or trips together come after stints of getting after your own separate pursuits and interests. It’s not a revolutionary concept, but it’s easy to forget as our lives become more entangled in a partnership.
There is something so special in reuniting with someone you love after a long day apart, or pining for the warmth of their hug at the end of a flight. You take in all their features for the first time again somehow, and a hand-hold feels like a prize. Storytelling is revived and there is suddenly news to dissect from your respective solo stuff. There’s nothing wrong with sitting side-by-side, totally disassociated and doom-scrolling without a word — that is solace. But how good is it when you cannot wait to burst through the door to rehash the lore of your escapades to your person?
"There is something so special in reuniting with someone you love after a long day apart, or pining for the warmth of their hug on the end of a flight."
Codependency is more prevalent than we think. The psychology behind why we’re so reluctant to spend time away from your Chosen One makes sense. Certified EFT Therapist Natalie Claire King puts it down to a hard-wiring for connection.
“From a nervous system perspective, our close relationships are where we seek safety, regulation, and belonging,” King explains. “So even the idea of space can feel threatening, like ‘is something wrong?’ Especially in a culture that romanticises total enmeshment.”
King invites us to reframe this narrative not as “time apart” but instead, “time with yourself." It is not a punishment, but a necessity if we want to stay connected to who we are outside of coupledom. “That’s often the version of ourselves that our partner fell in love with," she says.
King also explains how small and intentional acts like doing your own thing one night a week, or heading off to a friend’s for a sleepover, can strengthen your bond, because they help you return to each other with fresh stories and an “I missed you” spark.
“You can be deeply devoted and still need space. I’d argue that devotion thrives because of it. You are a whole person. Your passions, friendships and weird obsessions nourish you, which in turn nourishes the relationship. If everything meaningful in your life only exists inside the relationship, the stakes get really high.”
"When you’re always in sync with another person, it’s a truly beautiful experience, but it’s easy for routine to become default. Distance disrupts that. It reminds you of who you are when you’re not being reflected back through your partner."
I coincidentally spent that morning in Manly having coffee with an industry friend, Chloe Naughton. I had no idea she was staying around the corner while on a cool four-month work contract in building the new Australian Fashion Week. She was dressed head-to-toe in a classically monochromatic, Melbourne-coded outfit. While Chloe dearly misses her husband, their dog, and the familiarity of their Northside neighbourhood, she also reminded me of the power of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to take a chance when opportunity knocks, despite your relationship status. I thought, ‘Wow, how brave of you to say yes to this opportunity and take yourself out of familiarity, into the foreign, wetsuit-clad realm of Manly Beach’. And how rewarding to be on a hiatus that feeds creativity.
Naughton’s take was refreshing. She’s of the firm belief that time apart is underrated, and her view is that a magical sort of “inner expansion” only occurs when you’re out in the world on your own, without the creature comforts of a romantic partner.
“I think it keeps you curious. About yourself, about others, and about life outside the shared unit. When you’re always in sync with another person, it’s a truly beautiful experience. But it’s easy for routine to become default. Distance disrupts that. It reminds you of who you are when you’re not being reflected back through your partner.”
Instilling time apart in a relationship isn’t only good for mental stimulation. Laura Miano is a Sex Therapist, director of Miano Clinical Sexology and co-founder of sexual wellness brand, Posmo, who says that maintaining some independence through hobbies, alone time, or separate social interactions, can be essential to supercharging intimacy, too. “When you spend time away from your partner, it gives you a chance to miss and desire them,” she explains.
“When you eventually come together, you might also have more to bring to the conversation, as you can discuss what you have been up to over your time apart. This can all lead to more vibrant conversations and a deeper sense of fulfillment. Ironically, distance can enhance connection, and when there is a deeper connection, sex often thrives!”
"There’s something powerful about longing. When we take a little space, especially the kind we’ve chosen intentionally, we get to feel the pull of connection from a place of desire, not just routine."
The old adage of ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ is something I find difficult to get my head around. My safest place is curled up on the couch with the person I love. I find joy in home rituals, coffees by the beach together, tag-teamed cooking, market meandering and tinkering with the house. But I know I’ll thank myself for the month I stayed abroad last year with friends, the out-of-home office community I’ve built for myself, the rediscovery of a lost hobby, and unrelentingly seeking inspiration.
When I take a long look around at relationships in my orbit — strong ones, ended ones, healing ones — I can see the power of mindful independence, and identify the partnerships that thrive because of it. As King is a wellspring of wisdom, here is her parting sentiment that really reinforced this idea for me.
“There’s something powerful about longing. When we take a little space, especially the kind we’ve chosen intentionally, we get to feel the pull of connection from a place of desire, not just routine. Time apart isn’t a red flag. It’s often a sign of two people secure enough to love each other and themselves at the same time.”
