If someone told my 15-year-old self that at the age of 30, I’d be working as a sex therapist and running two business, a sex therapy clinic and a sexual wellness brand, I wouldn’t have believed it. It’s a funny feeling when you find your calling. Something that continues to fulfil and feed you every day, even after years of doing it. This has been my experience getting into sexology. It hasn’t been just a job I do to make ends meet, it’s become a true passion of mine and has changed my life remarkably, on a personal, professional, and even a spiritual level. Helping people connect with such a fundamental part of their existence, a part that creates so much internal joy and pleasure, is such a privilege. I truly love my job and I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else.

It’s been a journey getting to where I am today, here is what I’ve learnt so far.

1. The most fulfilling choices in life are usually the riskiest

When I first decided I want to pursue sexology, it was just before the sexual wellness movement kicked off, back in 2017. I remember floating the idea with my loved ones. I was nervous to tell them and they were naturally apprehensive when I did. This was at a time when people rarely spoke about sex online and seedy sex toys were the only place you could buy pleasure products. To pursue a career that was centred around something so stigmatised felt both exciting and scary. Despite all of this, I’d still take the risk again and again.

2. People don’t need to ‘do’ sex right, they just need the right mindset

I thought I would come out of my master’s degree with an abundance of tips and tricks on giving and receiving pleasure and a guidebook on how to be an incredible lover. Turns out its less about how to stimulate someone right and more so about getting people to a place where they feel present, free of shame and performance anxiety, and deeply in tune with their sexual partner.

Sure, having knowledge of how to touch another person’s body is helpful but I’ve found when people have the tools to connect mentally with their partner during sex, they often seamlessly tune into their partner’s body and communicate more openly. This often naturally leads to touching each other in ways that are pleasurable.

3. Sexual empowerment doesn’t always mean more sex

When I began studying sexology, I had an assumption that sexual empowerment meant pursuing more sex. That you would replace conservative sexual values with a more ‘abundance mindset’ approach to sex. However, over time I discovered that true sexual empowerment isn’t about accumulating experiences. It’s about tuning into what is authentic to you. I learned that being empowered means having the clarity to decide when you want more and when you want less.

It’s not the quantity of sex that matters, but the authenticity of each experience.

4. The power of your sexual narrative

Our past experiences and the stories we tell ourselves about them can have lasting effects on how we relate to our sexuality in the current day. What I’ve noticed in my clinical work is when people have a lack of good sex education, they don’t understand how or why their bodies respond in certain ways and are quick to assume that something is wrong with them. Overtime this can lead to self-doubt and low confidence, all of which can impact a person’s ability to assert their sexual needs and boundaries, leading to unsatisfactory sex. It can basically all snowball.

By re-visiting our stories with empathy, it can help to validate and understand the emotions involved in our experiences without placing blame on ourselves. What this does is, rather than thinking there is something wrong with ourselves from those past experiences, we instead give ourselves grace and acknowledge we’ve had hard experiences but we can grow from them.

5. It’s not about having sex, it’s about having a sexual mind

We often get caught up in the act itself, the physicality of sex, without realising that desire starts in the mind. Cultivating a sexual mindset means seeing the world through a lens of sensuality. It means, relishing in micro moments that fall into a larger sexual landscape like dressing up and enjoying how you feel more sexually desirable, or appreciating and indulging in the subtle flirting that’s unfolding between you and another person.

These moments are perceived through your sexual mind, of which, all create desire for sex.

6. Pleasure trumps performance

One of the most transformative lessons I’ve shared with clients is allowing pleasure to be your guide rather than falling into the trap of thinking through sex. Society often imposes a checklist of what good sex should look like, such as the sequence sex should follow, how long different sexual acts should take, and what milestones to hit. But real pleasure is organic and authentic, and it can guide you on a path that looks very different to the way culture tells you sex ‘should’ look.

When we let go of expectations and focus on what feels good in the moment, we create space for genuine connection. In my clinical experience, I’ve found the most fulfilling experiences almost always happen when the focus shifts from achieving a goal to simply enjoying the journey.

7. Sex is a creative act

Sex is so much more than two bodies moving, it’s a form of self-expression. Your emotions, the dynamic between you and your sexual partner, and other elements of the general context, can all lead sex to look very different over each experience, even in long term relationships.

Some days, you may find yourself embracing a playful, experimental side, while on others, a softer, more intimate connection feels more authentic. And all of these approaches to sex are inextricably linked to factors outside sex. Maybe you are playful because you just received a promotion, maybe you are soft because you had an emotional day. Everything is linked.

Recognising sex as a creative act means embracing its ebb and flow and giving yourself permission to approach it differently each time. When we view sex through a creative lens, we allow it to evolve in ways that are sometimes surprising and often deeply authentic.

Sexology has been so much more than a job for me. Providing a space for people to talk about something that they might otherwise be misunderstood or shamed for is such a privilege. Even 7 years in, I still pinch myself sometimes that I’m in this field. All the risks have paid off!

Miano Clinical Sexology is an evidence-based sex therapy practice in Melbourne, dedicated to helping individuals and couples overcome their unique sexual concerns and achieve a more satisfying and pleasurable sex life.