Birthdays are supposed to be joyful – a moment to feel special, celebrated and seen. But for many of us, they’re something else entirely: emotionally fraught, oddly isolating, or just plain difficult.
I’m an avid birthday crier. Year after year, I find myself dreading the day. The expectations, the silence from lost contacts, the reminder that another year has passed (along with a list of things I haven’t quite done). There's the pressure to feel thrilled, the expectation of grand gestures, and the guilt of wanting anything at all in a world where so many have nothing.
This year, I wanted something different. Instead of trying to manufacture a perfect day, I leaned into more mindful, manageable gestures – things that felt grounding, ethical and genuinely fulfilling.
1. Plan something in advance
Instead of trying to wrangle people on the day itself, when logistics and emotions are often heightened, I organised something casual beforehand. This year, I booked a karaoke room with a few of my close friends the day before my actual birthday. It made for a relaxed environment, complete with food, drinks, and an excuse to be silly without pressure.
And when things inevitably didn’t go exactly to plan (as they rarely do), I wasn’t annoyed or disappointed. It didn’t feel like something had “ruined” my day, because the day itself was still to come.
Other ideas could be mini golf, a bottomless brunch, a picnic in the park – whatever feels fun, low-key, and most you. For me, it was about sharing time with people I love without the stress of being the centre of attention or needing everything to go perfectly. It also took the emotional weight off the actual day. I wasn’t left wondering who would cancel last minute, or what it should look like – I’d already had a good time. And if I hadn’t, I still had the day itself.
2. Decorate the cake yourself
Let’s be honest – you probably still want some cake. But the attention that comes with it? Not always fun. There’s something a bit intense about carrying a boxed cake into a restaurant, and even more so when all eyes are on you during the song and candle moment.
This year, I flipped the script. My housemate surprised me with a store-bought cake and a stack of decorating tools – edible glitter pens, colourful icing, cake toppers. I spent an afternoon just playing. I covered the cake in my favourite motifs: stars, spirals and hearts.
When it came time to blow the candles out, I wasn’t bracing myself for attention – I was excited to show off what I’d made. The compliments were about the weird little shapes and silly icing choices, not about me being the birthday person under a spotlight. It made the whole thing feel creative and joyful, not like a performance. Highly recommend.
3. Make little party favours
As a kid, I loved party bags, so this year, I brought that energy back, in my own way.
Lately, I’ve gotten into magnet-making (a very soothing craft, highly underrated). So, I made custom magnets for everyone who came to karaoke. Each one was different, with its own design and colour story – a keepsake to remember the day by, and a genuine thank you for showing up.
You could do anything, really: handwritten notes, lolly bags, bookmarks, tiny zines. It’s not about cost – it’s about care. I loved seeing those magnets on my friends’ fridges later. A little piece of the day that lived on.
4. Build solo rituals
Instead of putting irrational pressure on others or the universe to give me a good day, I made one for myself. I took care of myself a little harder during the birthday week. I treated myself to an extensive nail art session, thrifted a cute outfit, had an everything shower (just for me), and journaled deeply.
I made a collage of photos from the past year and wrote a letter to farewell that version of myself, framing it as a keepsake for the years to come. If I didn’t treat myself with care, how was I supposed to feel good? It felt like setting a gentle standard and a high bar for how I want to feel in the year ahead.
5. Collect the freebies
There’s something delightfully un-serious about redeeming every birthday freebie you can. Boost Juice, Grill’d, Sephora, cafés – so many places offer discounts or treats if you sign up in advance. It’s a small thing, but it adds a sense of lightness to the day. Free gelato at Messina tastes better, I swear.
It also reframes your birthday as a day of little surprises – even if they’re commercial ones. And often, you don’t have to redeem them on the day itself. You can stretch the joy over a few days before and after. So, why not?
None of these rituals are revolutionary, but they helped me build a birthday I didn’t dread. If birthdays feel strange for you, you’re not alone. You don’t have to feel happy just because it’s your day – but you do deserve to feel a little cared for, even if it’s just by you.
